First Entry

I have decided to keep a journal of my life as I go through the pain of divorce.

This is a personal journal to chronicle what is going through my mind as I go on this "trip".

If you happen to chance on my blog, you probably googled keywords like "life after divorce" that have led you here. I hope my trials and tribulations will help you feel better or shed some light to your own situation.

I have just posted on a forum for divorcees or soon to be divorcees. It is always an eye-opening experience to read about others whose situaton may be 1) similar or the same as ours 2) worse off then our own. For the former, it may just show that leaving a spouse is a common part of human response to whatever they feel or think is not right in their marriage. For the latter, sub-consciously or even consciously (if you have a higher level of awareness, makes us feel better. An "evil" mindset, nonetheless, a mindset worth noting.

I left some comments for TWO people. The first was a woman who was considering leaving her husband. Her allegations of him were the same as what my soon to be ex-wife has accused me of. I responded to her post by saying that she should find ways to discover what are her husband's deep-seated issues or fears. I did not have this opportunity myself. Before the deep-seated issues were addressed, they were conveniently assumed to be something else and I was given up on. This has led me on a path of self-discovery which, she is no longer interested in at the encouragement of external parties such as the marriage counsellor.

I shall digress here by saying that I have realised that marriage counsellors fall into TWO categories. 1) They think it is their mission to help all couples who come to them stay married. 2) They think that it is their mission to help couples with problems end their suffering in an amicable divorce. Unfortunately, for me, the counsellor we engage fell into Category #2

The second person I responded to was a man in the same situation I was back in August 2020, five months ago. He does not know what to do so I suggested that he takes the lead by being positive regardless of how negative his wife is. Do not fuel the fire. Do not be angry when she is angry. It is simple to point out but very hard to do. We have been mentally conditioned in our marriage to respond to our spouses in particular ways. The negativity has built up. We need to break the cycle. Unfortunately, when one is in such a situation, we do not see it. "When you are in the river, you cannot see the river. When you can see the river, you are out of the river." - Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche is a guru I highly respect. His teachings have been bringing my life forward. I was never officially a Buddhist even though I was exposed to the Dharma and meditation from a very young age. Call this fate or karma, miraculously, I chanced upon Mingyur Rinpoche's teachings and it is helping me throught his difficult time. Even though I am not fluent at meditation yet, I dare say that I am finally able to see the river. My vision may be fuzzy and my mind still in a blur because I just came out of it.

An important lession that I have learnt today comes from something I witnessed while looking out of my window at home:

A young woman, wheelchair-bound, pushing a scroller with an infant in it. A man pushing the wheelchair of his wife while she pushes the scroller from her wheelchair.

It makes me recall that my good friend, a fellow stock broker, is raising his 3 young children while his wife has cancer. His wife is still alive after many years and he is grateful for his family to be complete.

These are examples of families that would by any reasonable standards be considered, suffering. Yet, they do not apear to experience the suffering. The family of 3 are cheerful despite their circumstances. My friend still leads a “normal life” like any sole breadwinner, as if his wife was a normal housewife. One may be sceptical and say that people do not speak of their suffering but that is another way of not acknowledging their circumstances as suffering. Such difficulties are part of life. Why be drowned by it?

My wife’s “suffering at my hands” is unparallel to such circumstances. My clinical mental issues are mild-moderate OCD. I am functioning well as a person. I am not wheelchair-bound or bedridden.
1) How have I made her suffer for 4 years while I have been “normal” and capable of making my own living and even provided for her while she was a trainee lawyer?
2) If she was in a wheelchair, will I take care of her? YES.
3) However, now that she deems me crazy and abusive by her definitions, she leaves me.

I was out meeting a friend for lunch and an accident on the freeway caused many drivers to take alternate routes to get to their destinations. One irresponsible driver is unaware that he/she caused inconvenience to so many strangers. Like the driver, my wife does not know the impact of her actions on others.